So you want to be a Titan?
by storm-brain
Summary: Luke and Atlas are trying to get more support for their cause. It's not working out so well. So very discontinued it's not even funny.
1. Chapter 1

Luke crossed his arms, glaring at the camera.

"Why am I doing this again?"

"I _told_ you." Atlas said with exaggerated patience, "To get _support_ for our cause."

"Online."

"Yes."

Luke snorted dismissively. "This is stupid. Asking stupid questions is, like, a plan worthy of Percy Jackson. Hello? Mortals can't do much for us."

"Yet people don't know we exist." Atlas said smoothly, gesturing to the coffin with a ring adorned hand. The room tipped slightly as the Princess Andromeda went over some waves. Luke frowned, drumming his fingers on the polished handle of his chair.

"This is humiliating." He announced. "Webcams do nothing for The Cause. The Cause belongs to the half bloods and half… titans. And the monsters. Mortal children have no place in our army."

Atlas shook his head dismissively. "That is not the point here. We want people to be _aware_ of us. Awareness leads to awe, you know." Suddenly he turned, pointing to a man in a blue pressed uniform. "_You!_ Get me some ibuprofen. _Now!_" The guard hurried off.

"Humph." Luke grunted, popping the lid of a sprite. The guard re-entered the room, clutching a bottle and glass of water. Atlas examined the label, then dumped the whole bottle into his mouth, draining the glass in one gulp.

The Titan straightened, wiping water off his mouth. "You must do this, Luke, because I say so. Because Lord Kronos says so. Is that enough for you?"

Luke inclined his head slightly. He didn't want to have two titans on his bad side, even if one of them _was_ mashed up into little bits.

"Fine." He said tersely. He finally turned to the camera, giving it the evil eye. "If any one has questions or would like to be blown up, e-mail to _Luke _at _Titansareus _dot com."

Atlas nodded happily. "Finally." He turned to another guard. "Get me a Pepsi. No, get me two. No! Three! Three Pepsis! _NOW!_" The guard left, and the titan sighed.

"What I put up with in the name of our Lord."


	2. Chapter 2

Luke glared at the mortal who was reading their mail.

"What do they say already?" Atlas demanded, glaring at him. The mortal cringed.

"Um, I haven't read through them all yet." He lied, heart pounding.

"You Lie." Atlas hissed.

The Mortal whimpered, and Luke moved forward, placing his Pepsi down to open another e-mail. The boat hit a bump, and his drink spilled across the keyboard.

"-invalid word-!" Luke exclaimed, turning to a guard. "Clean this up." He pointed one hand disdainfully at the mess. The guard unplugged the keyboard, replacing it with another and leaving the room quickly.

"SO." Atlas shouted at him, hands on his hips. "What- do- they- say?"

"Um." The Mortal swallowed hard, and began to read.

"_Why Pepsi? Everyone knows that Dr. Pepper is better." _

Luke narrowed his eyes. "What did you say?"

"I didn't send this." The mortal swore. "it says, Why Pepsi? Everyone knows Dr. Pepper is better." Luke screamed in rage, and his chair fell over backwards as he jumped up.

"YOU!" Bellowed Atlas, pointing. "MORE IBUPROFEN!"

Luke stormed around the room, the thick carpet marking his footsteps. "The nerve. Questioning my drinking habits. Stupid mortals."

He whirled around as Atlas swallowed a bottle of painkiller, plastic and all.

"I drink Pepsi because I _like_ Pepsi!" He raged, flinging a book at the computer. "Dr. Pepper is for mortals. Pepsi is for the go- Titans! -invalid word- you mortals! NEXT QUESTION!" He threw a knife after the book, and the Mortal dove for cover, trembling in fear.

The room stopped shaking.

"Um." The mortal cleared his throat.

"_Luke- Why in Hades do u want mortals (Basically anybody or anything to join ur cause? Your cause is stupid and you are stupid! And by the way the Titan's are gonna fall Ima daughter of the 'god who knows all' (Apollo) so ya better believe me!"_

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Atlas roared, causing Luke to jump. "The cause is not stupid! The gods are invalid word! Why on _earth_ would- who wrote that?"

"_Text message language!_" Kronos rumbled. "_How dare someone write to us in _text message language!_ Correct the grammer, Mortal!"_ The mortal jumped at being addressed directly by Kronos.

"Yes sir!"

"I! IS! NOT! STUPID!" Luke shrieked, "AND! HADES! IS! THE! OFFSPRING! OF! A! -INVALID WORD!-"

"_Watch it, Castellan!_" Kronos boomed. Luke bowed apologetically.

"Yes. Yes sir. We lost that good for nothing daughter of Apollo. -Invalid word- her. Who _was that?_"

The mortal moistened his lips. "LoveTheSun, sir. Oh, and there is a p.s…. it is,

_I will NEVER join ur- _I mean _your- cause so don't even try!_"

"We already gave up on her anyway." Luke said with dignity. "NEXT!"

The mortal whimpered, clicking open another e-mail.

"_Luke? I want a couple of guys blown up. How much do you charge?"_

"There!" Said Atlas happily. "Our plan is a success."

"Yah. One out of three." Luke muttered under his breath. Atlas ignored him, scratching his chin in thought.

"It depends on the person." He declared. "A half blood would be more than a mortal, for example. Tell Musafreen that it is simply easier to join our army." The mortal typed quickly, checking to Atlas for more information.

"Next."

"There aren't any." The mortal said quietly. Luke looked relieved, Atlas looked peeved.

"Well, remind them that more people can still send questions! Hit the purplish blue button, and we take anonymous reviews!"

"I have to go pee." Luke muttered, and fled.

o-o

**That was fun to write. : ) **


	3. Chapter 3

Atlas swallowed a bottle of ibuprofen, washed it down with some Tylenol, and swallowed a can of coke. He wiped his mouth off, and sent a cook in for more poached eggs. On his right, Luke fiddled with his French toast.

"They used to call it 'freedom toast' in the white house, when Bush was mad at France." He muttered, drawing a ghoul in his syrup with his fork.

Atlas had opened his mouth to make a snappy retort when a laptop-bearing mortal entered, knees quivering.

"I have the latest electronic mail." He said, bowing so low the top of his head bumped into the top of his boots.

Luke lowered his fork as Atlas snapped for a dracane to adjust his hot pad.

The mortal opened up the laptop, opening up the internet after hurriedly typing in the password- 'kronosisbetterthanme'.

"Ahem." He said weakly. "_Atlas have you ever used the hot and cold packs from the commercials since your shoulders must hurt alot. And Luke your scar looks funny, like scar from the lion king who falls off a cliff and dies, why aren't you that luckey?"_

With a yell, Luke hurled his French toast at the frightened mortal, who ducked a moment to late and got egg-y, syrup-y bread all over his hat.

"_Improper grammar._" Boomed Kronos. "_What do they teach children in schools these days?_ _And that was a rhetorical question, fool!_" He added as Luke started to answer.

"Yes! I use hot and cold packs from commercials. I deserve the _best!_." Atlas muttered, glaring darkley at the French toast-covered mortal, who gave him an I'm-just-the-messenger look.

"Next." Said Luke dejectedly.

"_Annabethandpercy4ever _said…"

"WAIT!" Luke made a stop-everything gesture. "Annabeth and _Percy_ for_ever_?"

"Ah- that would me _4_ever, master Luke."

Luke's face turned purple. "Skip that one."

The mortal flicked some French toast out of his eye as he surveyed the forbidden message. "It wasn't important anyway."

Luke's curiosity got the better of him. "Ok, what was it?"

"Um- Dr. Pepper is better."

Luke assumed a dignified look, making a point of loudly opening his seven-up. "I couldn't care less. Ne-ext"

"_Luke has no taste in drinks or causes! And Atlas has a stupid name"_

"INVALID WORD!" Atlas bellowed. "My name is older that the mountains."

"Yah, since you were the first." Luke muttered. Atlas ignored him.

"_Humans_ named their silly map books after me. I refuse to take offence. NEXT! And _you_, get me some cheerios!" Another dracane fled the room.

"_Why the would you like DR.Pepper?! ITS FOR LOSERS, YOU STINKIN PEICE OF STINKFART!HOW COULD U JOIN EM LUKE,THEY EFFING LOSERS,I BET ATLAS IS FAT,AND KRONOS IS SMEGA EMO!Thought to self,I wonder if hes a mummy, lolAnyways back to the point.Point 1:LOSER.Point 2:SUPER LOSER.Point 3:SUCH A FREAKIN LOSER CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU.So yah, basically i dont want to join you, because we all know the ending.All Heroes win in the end.No matter what.So dont even try.You fat stinkin Mummy Thing."_

"I don't like Dr. Pepper." Luke said with forced calmness, a vein popping in his forehead.

"'_Kronos smega emo?'_" The Titan lord didn't bother to correct the grammar this time. _"_Smega_ emo?_"

"FAT?" Atlas demanded, hands on hips. "Now let me tell you something about fat. Think… Mike Huckabee before his exercise plan. Think MacDonalds. Modern kids are _so_ unlike tough Greek kids. I don't give an invalid word what you think."

Luke's seven-up followed his French toast across the room, missing the computer by inches and hitting the window with a _thunk_."

"_Waz up Luke?!_

Want to get killed!  
Then come to Camp Half-Blood! (at the tree)  
Oh, by the way...YOU SUCK! What a Weiner you are! "I have to pe..." Wus. you too Atlas and Kronos!!" The frightened mortal said quickly.

"CAMP HALF- who wrote that?!" Luke threw an unopened ibuprofen bottle after the seven-up.

"HEY!" Atlas glared at him.

"Percy Jackson." The mortal whispered. There was dead silence- even the waves seemed to stop.

"What was that?" Luke said in a low and deadly voice.

"Percy Jackson. Um, sir."

"The. Invalid Word-ing. Ceiling. Is. Up." Luke dictated in a slow and menacing voice. "You. Suck. I. Hate. You. Go. To. Tar. Tar. Us."

"Next. Didn't expect anything from _him_ anyway." Sniffed Atlas, voice not matching the vein throbbing in his neck, the cold pack that was starting to steam from the force of his anger.

"_Atlas, what was up with you killing your daughter? I mean, do you guys have, like, relationship problems or something? You should get some counseling. And how come your so mean to the mortal? Why should we join you Titans if you're not even capable of being nice!?"_

That did it.

"RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?" Atlas bellowed, standing his full twenty and three quarters feet. "SHE IS AN INVALID WORD-ING TRAITOR. _SHE_ IS- WAS THE ONE WITH THE 'RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS'." He stormed out, the door banging behind him.

"This was _your_ idea." Luke called after him. "NEXT!"

"_Hello. I go by Lorelei's Light, and I'd like to apologize for my fellow letter-writers (is that the right term? I'm not sure). Many of them are immature and rude, as most people online tend to be nowadays. It is ample evidence that the human race is degenerating, I think. Not all of us are completely obdurate and unwilling to listen to reason, however. Please don't blame them for their ignorance or rudeness - it's how they were raised. More educated people can tell you many things - the name "Atlas" preceded the English language and therefore cannot be considered stupid (unless your first language is Greek, I suppose), for example. Or perhaps using a vocabulary that doesn't consist of fifty percent swears and other rude terminology._

Thank you for your time,  
Lorelei's Light

P.S. In addition, who got the bright idea to pose as Percy Jackson? He never struck me as (that) stupid."

A grin slid across Luke's face, twisting his scar. "Bad timing, Atlas. I have no idea who's idea it was to pose as Percy. That was an anonymous review. It smelled like Percy, though- he is stupid like that." There was a pregnant pause. "And as for how they were raised- well, that just shows that Western Civilization is, shal I say, contaminating the human race. All the more reason to join our cause. Please frame this e-mail and put it on my wall."

He smiled, confident that this breakthrough would prompt others.

"Next?"

"_Hello Luke and Atlas. I understand why you feel the gods are fing sons of b. Nothing against Kronos and his mightness though. Can I join your cause? I may only be mortal but I can see through the mist."_

"_Sounds good. Mightness. From now on everyone is to call me 'Mightness.' No, how about 'Might_y_ness." _Kronos announced. Atlas re-entered. _"Did you hear that, Atlas?_"

"Yes, your Mightyness." Atlas said obediently, bad mood gone. "Tell FanOfFics that he can I-M us at any time and we will arrange a meeting place. Congratulations on your joining of this great cause. Pensions include Lord Kronos's everlasting favor."

"Next." Luke added.

"_oh im gonna rite in txt talk just 2 annoy him! HA HA! Luke- why did you join the titans army anyways? U totally deserted Annabeth + Thalia?! Does that not mean anything 2 u?! lol im being really random 2day!"_

"Next." Atlas cut in quickly.

The mortal wiped some more French toast from his head, hurrying to obey.

"_Join the army...I dunno. Fights to the death, a requirem for grovelling. Lets' face it; this job has NO perks."_

"What about Lord Kronos's everlasting favor?" Luke said nastily. "Next."

"_Dear Luke and Atlas: Wow. You're really desperate. Well, anyways, I'm kind of on the fence, I address Kronos as a 'Lord', but I'm a pacifist. So... yeah. You're really cool, though, Luke. Too bad Thalia joined the Hunters. And, Atlas, I don't have Ibuprofin. I usually just wait the pain, makes you tough, you know?_

Quidam"

"Yes! I AM COOL!" Luke punched the air.

"No Ibuprofen?" Atlas's mouth hung open, showing all his perfect teeth. "Well, we got the compliment, anyway. But pacifists will have no place in the new world."

"Any more?"

There was a pregnant silence.

"Well… one. But I don't know- it is rather… insulting." The mortal trembled.

"Read it." Atlas commanded.

"_lukie-ur a loozer.ill never join, crusty castillian"_

A cooler of drinks flew past the casket, smashing the window. Luke opened his mouth to yell when they hit some rapids. With a yell, he fell sideways onto the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

Carefully, Luke got to his feet.

"Ouch. Atlas, may I borrow some ibuprofen?" He asked, rubbing his neck. Atlas scowled at him.

"NO! IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!" He roared. He spun to the mortal. "NEXT!"

"Um." The mortal began, but Luke cut him off.

"You! Get me some more 'slavery toast'!" The other mortal hustled out.

"_Slavery_ Toast?" Atlas said curiously.

"I don't like the French." Luke said, voice brittle. "They irritate me." He popped the top of his new sprite and raised his eyebrows at the Mortal.

"_LUKE SUCKS!Atlas youre kinda cool but you killed your daughter and she was much cooler then you...KRONOS IS A *ing *  
ALL OF YOU SHOULD GO AND CRY OVER YOUR SUCKINESS IN TATARUS!"_ He read, voice trembling.

"-INVALID WORD-!!!" Luke shrieked, stalking across the room to see the horror before his own eyes. Yes, there it was. Eleven point Verdana type. "_Suckiness?_ Shouldn't it be 'suck_y_ness'?"

"-INVALID WORD- it!" Atlas said angrily. "_I_ is correct you nitwit. Not _Y_. Where has your education gone?"

Luke stomped his black Nikes angrily. The sound was lost in the thick carpeting. "I was on the run for years. Honestly. Who needs grammar? NEXT!"

"_Uh...Yah...I got bored so i decided to put up with you losers woops your * you fat motha *.Also, I have a wierd question for Atlas, The Fat did you make your children, when you have a huge...how do I express this...I got it!How did your el grande peewee fit into the woman's...uh...I know!How did your el grande peewee fit into the peanut hole?Or was the woman you did it with have a huge peanut hole too?And dont u dare correct my way of writing you...you...Super Ultra Mega Emo Gothic Peices of Stuff Mummy thing!HA WHAT YOU GONNA DO YOU FAT PEICE OF * SUCK MY *Z YOU *.Kz Im ever after me piss off this stinkin ugly thing. ^^" _The mortal blurted, cowering. Slowly, Atlas turned.

"Was this the same imbecile that called me fat?" He demanded.

"Um. They were anonymous reviews, Your Mightyness second-in-command. I really couldn't sa-"

"MORE IBUPROFIN!" Atlast roared.

"AND ASPRIN!" Luke's attempted scream sounded like a mouse squeaking.

There was a boom, and a chair exploded.

"I. Am. Not. A. Fat. Map." Atlas growled, exploding furniture with every syllable. "It. Is. None. Of. Your. Buis. Ness. How. I. Re. Pro. Duce. You. Have. Lame. Sy. Non. Ems. Go. To. Tar. Tar. Us. And. Kiss. My. In. Valid. Word."

"Lord Atlas!" Luke interjected, shocked.

"CALL ME 'YOUR HIGH AND MIGHTY GENERAL WHO IS BETTER THAN ME!" Alas cut in. Luke bowed.

"Yes, your high and mighty general who is better than me."

"Next." He said, calmly taking a sip from his Sprite.

"Well… A bored demigod says… _LOL! This is so funny! Suffer Atlas! Suffer Luke! But you know what I dont get. Atlas Y didnt you just balance the sky on the very tip of the mountain and walk away. Then you would be free, and most of the world would be safe and uncrushed. Ur so stupid! You had how many years 2 think of that?! Haha! And no im not goining u if u had not guessed. Actually do u know how I can get in touch with the hunters of Artimis? They rock! And you were trapped under one! Yes I have ibeprofin (I can not spell that.) but im not giving it to you!  
From, a bored demigod!  
p.s. 7up is so GOOD!"_

"I am not even going to comment." Atlas said with dignity, ducking as Luke flung his sprite at the ceiling lamp. One of the dangles shattered, splattering sprite and glass all over the floor.

"CLEAN THAT UP!" Luke screamed at the door. Someone immediately bustled in with a mop. "Next. But read a _good_ one this time."

"Ah. Yes. A good one." The mortal scrolled through several messages. It took an agonizingly long time, and Luke scowled, imagining all the _bad_ messages in there. "Here is one!" he said finally. "_Well. I wanted to put Melinda Omnis, Traitor-in-Training, but sadly, I could not. Not enough space._

First of all, I would like to say that I will join your cause. The gods (or Western Civilization, however you'd like to take it) are completely ignorant, as are my fellow writers. As Lorelei's Light has said, I apologize for them. Since, of course, they cannot do it themselves, as they are no doubt too afraid of both of your power. (And Kronos. I salute all of you.)

Secondly, to Luke: I must protest your blatant dislike of Dr. Pepper. It may not be the best drink out there, but consider; it's better than Coke. Coke tingles too much and puts bubbles in the nose. (Actually, I like Dr. Pepper. If I join and drink Dr. Pepper around you, will you kill me?)

Atlas, I have no questions for you at the present time. Or comments, for that matter. All that was needed to be said was said earlier.

Loyally,  
x- Mindy"

Luke punched the air, and he and Atlas exchanged a high-five. Atlas was so much taller than Luke that the later had to stand on a plush chair to reach.

"Someone go track down this Mindy person." Luke ordered. "And find anothergood one."

There was a longer pause.

"Well… this one may be promising…" the Mortal muttered.

"And someone get me an Apple juice!" Luke added. After a moment, someone handed him a juice box. Luke took a long drink, squeezing too hard and squirting it all over his face.

O-o

_Dear Sarcastic Ninja. _

_Because His High and Mighty General Who Is Better Than You and His Mightyness did not wish to vocally answer all the questions, since their scribe was too lazy, Luke filled out the answers to you're questions as seen below. _

Ahem, but first, a blatantly true staement. PEPSI PWNS ALL! **–Comment by Luke- I. Like. Pepsi. **

And now, onward with the questioning!

If I do join your cause, will my army of Dancing PEnguins also be able to assist you? **Why, of course! They can dance in the street, distracting the innocent bystanders while His Mightyness blows them up. Why didn't I think of that? **

Am I just another pointless soul to your cuase, and will you just say anything to get me to join? **Yes. **

If I join your cause, and then the titans win...

Will I Have accecptable living standards? **I'm going to pretend I didn't see that misspelling. **

Will I Still be alive? **If you don't get yourself killed. **

Will I Not get torchered? **If you don't piss off His Mightyness. Or His High And Mighty General Who Is Better Than You. **

Will I Get cookies? **You may have the crumbs that Kronos leaves behind. **

What about GIANT cookies? **Do you know any giants personally?**

WILL THERE BE CHEESE?!?!?!?! **If we don't bomb the Tilimuck factory. **

What types of cheese? **Cheese-y cheese. **

Will I get the opportunity to blow suff up with a cheese orientated bomb of some sort? **Of course! That sounds fab! How about that pesky demigod camp?**

WIll you protect the Penguins? **With everyone's lives but my own. **

Will there be an after-party after the War, in which we get Coldstone Creamery? **I like Baskin Robbins. **

Have you been to Cold Stone? **Nope. **

Do I get a 50% off coupon there if I join you? **If you point a gun at the workers and set your penguins on them, you might be able to steal one. **

What about Starbucks? Will There still be Starbuckses after the War?** Of course. I couldn't survive without my fraps! Except for Sprite. I love sprite. **

Can you get me a Rasberry Mocha Latte, iced, if I join? **You can ask someone else. **

Do you know how to kill someone with a yellow crayon? **Stick it up their nose. Or write 'condemned' on their forehead, and someone will kill them for you.**

If I join can my title be "Evil Dictatoress"? **No, that's **_**my**_** title. **

Do I get a title? **Yes. "Mortal".**

Will you comment on my deviantart page if I join? **I'll have someone else do it. **

Will you still comment on it after I join? **Does it show people being blown up?**

Can you carve somone's eye's out with a yellow crayon for me? I would, but I'm pretty busy. **If you catch Percy Jackson. We can expi**

Speaking of my business, how much time will I have to commit? **As long as it takes to kick some godly butt. **

Do we get Sick Days and how many Vacation Days? **Do you like cold pits? That's where you will be vacationing. **

Will I get to torture someone by asking {bombarding, really} them an endless stream of annoying quesions? **Sure. As long as it isn't me. **

Can I be a double agent? **NO! I do not want my minions behind enemy lines. You might pick up bad habits. **

Can we have code-names?!?!?!?! **Yes. You will be 'Mortal 0581296'.**

Can mine be 'The Golden Dragon of Fear'? **What did I just say?**

Can I have a country!? **Greenland. But you'll have to share it. **

If I can, can I have Ireland? How about Australia? **No. **_**I**_** get Ireland and Australia. **

It is absolutly important for all of my questions to be answered soon, before I can vaguely consider whether or not I should start to think about joining your cause.

From,

The Sarcastic Ninja


End file.
